Young people don’t know how good they have it. They live in an increasingly inter-connected, exciting world where Sreesanth is a role model, an iPad is considered useful and Pepsi decides to name an entire country after them. Nonetheless, most young people nowadays are illiterate, pretentious, horny and largely clueless. In short, like Tusshar Kapoor. Thus, here is a list of steps they can take to be considered normal.
Stop using “Ma”: I don’t know if you’re fans of Shashi Kapoor movies, but the next time you use “ma” in your sentence, I will shove your teeth so far up your own fucking ass that even a Japanese whaler’s harpoon won’t go deep enough to be able to fish it out. Seriously, is this some faux attempt at proving your love for your mother or did your priest make you miss grammar classes during kindergarten? The word is “my”. Repeat after me.
“My name is Khan, and I’m a lameass actor”
“Ma name izz Khan, I’m a rockstarrrrr”
And while we’re on the subject, when did “Killer Shit” and “That’s gangster” become part of the lingo to express approval? What the fuck is killer shit anyway? Do you suffer from advanced colitis? Anal cancer? And gangster? You’re telling me this happened because of Shiney Ahuja’s film of the same name? What time between the release of his movie and raping his maid did he bless us all with this ridiculous verbal concoction? Even Inzamam Ul Haq would cringe at such Anand Jon-ification of the language.
Stop LOLing: If you take a walk down some parks early in the morning, you might come across groups of senior citizens holding their stomachs and making loud gratuitous noises. I want you to observe this act very closely. It’s called LAUGHING. NOT LOLing. LAUGHING. Why the fcuk cant you laugh at a joke? Why do you have to say “LOL” in a conversation? It’s not a chat room where you’re trying to impress a spambot so that it turns the webcam on for you to jack off. I’m standing IN FRONT OF YOU! Don’t you dare bloody LOL me you son of a bitch! If you want to smile, smile! Don’t say tee hee. If you want to laugh, laugh! Because if you don’t I’m going to rip your tongue out, wipe it down Navjot Sidhu’s asscrack and smack you across the face with it like Xena warrior princess. And stop LOLing at your own jokes. If you have to end your own sentence with a LOL, your shit ain’t funny to begin with.
Stop reading Paulo Coelho: When the hell did Paulo Coelho become the must read author to prove your intellectual chops? Is it the graphic love scenes in Eleven Minutes that turn your nuts to momos? Do you think reading “The Alchemist” is a short cut to become a pharmacist? Don’t stick your stupid Facebook and twitter profiles with Paulo Coelho as your favourite author. It just tells me you don’t really read and just bought one at a train station because everyone seemed to have one and you felt more generous than buying a copy of “Who moved my cheese?”
Stop showing me your boxers: Seriously, pull those freaking pants up. I DON’T want to see your boxers. And I certainly don’t want to see your Grand Canyon cuz I’m sure as hell not Kobe Bryant looking for some practice free throws. I don’t care if you’re wearing Rupa or Jockey’s. I don’t care if it messes with the chain that you’re hanging across the left side of your parachute pants. I also don’t give a flying Jatayu’s patootie whether it messes with your frumpled hair, your goatee, your black t-shirt and finger sleeves. What the fuck are finger sleeves anyway? Were you trying to measure the perfect condom size or are you a professional kite flyer? Pull those goddamn jeans up and stop showing me your hairy lower back before I call the tow truck and get your ass impounded for indecent exposure.
Stop watching Shah Rukh Khan Movies: No. He is not the greatest actor of our generation and will never be. But then again, your probably believe he drives around Mumbai in a Hyundai i10 as well. Stop crying about him feeling bad that Kolkata lost. Stop telling me My Name is Khan was the greatest bloody movie you ever saw. It only goes to show you have the same IQ as girls who scream in the movie hall every time Bobby Deol makes an appearance.
Stop believing what Arundhati Roy says: Seriously, bitch will get you shot. If following socialist hotties is your thing, go with Brinda Karat. The worst that might happen then is you will have no friends left.
Stop giving a fuck about the EPL: NO ONE gives a fuck about whether you support Man U or Barca. They’re not YOUR team and their success doesn’t mean that YOU won. No matter how many jersey’s you buy from a trip to Thailand or Palika Bazaar, no matter how many soccer shoes you buy and wear at inappropriate places, NO ONE gives a fuck. Find some other goddamn purpose in life than tweet about players whose names you can’t pronounce and who you’ve only been exposed to in FIFA 2007. And don’t you dare rattle off Fabregas’s statistics if you can’t supplement those with Sunil Chhetri’s either.
Stop pretending to be into hip-hop music: Just because your car has a bass tube and you listen to 50 Cent and Afro Man does not mean you love “Rap music”. Go and learn atleast 7 rhymes of Biggie Smalls or Tupac before I bust a cap in yo ass. Stick to rock, its easier to pull off being a fan of Nirvana.
Stop wearing Che Guevera T-Shirts: If the only thing you know is “he was the dude from Motorcycle Diaries”.
Stop wearing tight t-shirts after gymming: Just because you go to the gym and your bicep increased by half an inch doesn’t mean you start wearing body-hugging nipple busting t-shirts and walking like a scarecrow. And take those fucking sunglasses off. Its 8 in the bloody evening and no one will judge you for walking around with a hooker as arm candy anyway!
Stop putting obscure quotes and pictures as your status messages: Seriously, you’re trying to tell me your low attention span excuse for a hamster’s brain was up reading Dante and Nietzsche? Stop faking and pretending to be an intellectual. We all know you just Google quotes on love, success, friendship to try and make sense of your life and give yourself some comfort when the milkshake hits the desert cooler. And for fucks sake, stop quoting people like the CEO of General Motors and other crazy right-wingers. I know language isn’t your thing, but you might want to check the dictionary for “context”. Also, don’t forget to check “Dumbfuck”. You might find your picture next to Shivraj Patil’s.
Follow these steps, and you will be well on your way to becoming a successful individual, and more importantly, a human being.