I like being alone, and at least I convince myself everyday that I am better off without people. That I am better off this way. And I personally choose to believe that there are no ultimate consequences and this is all the reality there is. But often enough we find out outcomes that are more comforting for us to grasp, more believable than than reality itself. As I had seen in experience that everybody lies and the only thing that differs among them are their reasons, no matter how noble or deceptive, it always ended up hurting me. I kept people at a distance for that very reason. And then I met a girl. Of all places at a hospital. And she changed me. She changed me a lot. And then she left me.
Now I am lost.And soon I wasn’t feeling alone, or lonely or anger or happiness, I felt nothing. An eternal numbness and then I left my home. I started running to office because thats where I functioned the best. Every night I numbed myself with narcotics and whiskey and let myself go in my apartment all alone. Read books to msyelf and finally one day. She called again. Just to tell me that it was my fault to have fallen in love with her as I wasn’t capable enough. I never called her back after she broke up. She broke up with me in present of her current boyfriend. I remained at a distance after that.
But her presences mangled my reality in such a way that I am was lost and now still can’t find my way back into my reality. If you are reading this let me tell you, I am the most screwed up person in this world, I have alienated people from an early age. I wasn’t a very goof with conversations or with people. I never had a friend. If I would die today only two people would show up at my funeral. I have made enough arrangements for that.
The two people are are my parents.
Keeping aside the drama, I have firmly believed that there are no ultimate consequences and people just get what they get not because they deserve it just that its just a cosmic randomness trying to put a sinister spin on some chemicals that make us last longer. Nature as you know it intends on killing us one breath at a time. I like to believe that this isn’t just a test its our actions here that matter and we decay away then. A reluctant journey we all make from the maternity ward to the morgue.
I have tried not to believe such things, and even gone ahead and tried to prove it otherwise.
But this is all the reality that this universe has offered, only actions count, intentions don’t.
I want to get better, I want to be happy, I need help, or whatever the hell that means.